What to Expect at Your First Relationship Therapy Session
Starting your first session can bring with it a whole host of emotions. It can feel scary and nerve wracking as you don’t know what to expect. It can also bring with it a sense of hope as you delve into a different way of relating and thinking about how you have been navigating your relationship. Whatever your reason for starting therapy, know that it takes courage to start something new, and I hope you can give yourself credit for even making the call. So, this is an overview of what you can expect at your first session.
What to expect at your first session
At your first session, your therapist will aim to address three things:
Who are you now and who have you been as a couple
What are you hoping to accomplish
Begin to identify the patterns that have been keeping you stuck
As a therapist, it is my job to gather as much information as possible about what it is that you are hoping for, what has gotten you to this point, and where you feel stuck in your relationship. As we delve into those aspects, we also take a look at your individual histories, as where we come from gives a window into how we show up in our relationships. You do not have to have this all thought out or complete by the first session. Therapy is a process that unfolds naturally as it needs to, so you do not need to explain every detail about your relationship or history by the end of the first session.
What you may not expect to talk about at your first session
In my experience, partners often come to sessions feeling defeated and discouraged about their relationship and only focus on what is “wrong” in their relationship. Focusing solely on this aspect only deepens their feelings of mistrust, guardedness, and disconnect. What is also important to highlight is the strengths inherent in your relationship. Something brought you together in the first place, right? Clearly something is working or at least worked at some point. Let’s talk about what those things are! A big key to success is honing in on the strengths that are already there rather than solely focusing on what is not working. Do you express gratitude? Make sure you make time for quality time? Show each other affection even when mad? Take accountability for your part in conflict even when feeling defensive? These are all strengths that add up, help bolster us through conflict and difficult times in our relationship, and should be highlighted as well.
How to tell if your therapist is the right fit
After your first session, take some time to sit with these questions:
Did my therapist show curiosity and compassion?
Did I feel heard and understood?
Did I feel safe and could show up authentically?
While these questions are important to consider, it is also important to note that you may not feel “comfortable” after your first session and at times during the ongoing therapy process as your therapist’s job is to gently push you. After all, what has been transpiring in the relationship hasn’t been working, right? Something needs to shift. However, the therapist will ensure to develop a sense of safety and will lead with compassion and curiosity vs. judgment and assumptions.
A good therapist also focuses on the process vs. the content. That is: the processing of how these topics are being discussed and the emotional processing of what is happening in the here and now instead of solely focusing in on the “he said; she said” that we so easily get stuck in.
A good therapist will give you a helpful structure for how to utilize tools used in session outside of session so that you feel empowered to navigate any challenges in your relationship.
What if it feels like couples therapy isn’t working?
My answer to that is… it depends. Are you not liking the therapist? Do you feel like progress is not being made fast enough? Are other factors having an effect that you are hesitant to share?
If it’s your therapist… I would suggest bringing any concerns to them first before simply ending sessions. It may be an issue that can be addressed, repaired, and can even lead to better outcomes. I mean, this is a relationship, right? Working through and repairing an issue within the safety of the therapeutic relationship can have a positive impact on your relationship with your partner. It can help you build confidence in using healthy communication skills and the ability to work toward repair without falling back into unhealthy patterns.
If it’s the progress… ask yourself if you are putting to use what is discussed and committed to in session outside of session on a consistent basis. If not, what is getting in the way? Also, it is important to be patient with the process. How many years did it take to get to this place? Ingrained relationship patterns that aren’t working unfortunately don’t just change overnight. Trust in the process and celebrate the wins along the way (I promise they are there if you look for them!)
If it’s something you are having difficulty disclosing. I get it. It’s hard to be vulnerable and share something that may further harm your relationship. Let alone share it in a space with another person you’ve only just met. And, is there any part of you that feels it would be freeing to be fully honest with yourself and with the person you care for? Is it possible it could even strengthen the relationship? I would urge you to sit with the question: what does this part of me need in order to take that courageous step? This can always be talked about with your therapist in an individual session at your request as well.
Relationship therapy is hard, but it can also be rewarding, freeing, hopeful, loving, messy, and beautiful. I’ve had the honor of witnessing it. Many times. Whatever your reason for starting, give yourself credit and show yourself compassion for taking the leap. As cheesy as it sounds, beautiful things can happen when you do.
