Healing together: When one partner has experienced trauma
Trauma doesn’t just affect the person who experienced it- it more often than not shows up in their romantic relationships and can have a profound impact in the dynamics of their close relationships. Trauma can stem from childhood, previous challenging relationships, loss and grief, or any painful event. The effects from these events can show up in big or small ways in our relationships. Often times, trauma is experienced relationally. So, wouldn’t it make sense that it would show up later in our relationships? While trauma can have a profound impact on our relationship with our partners, healing is possible. Partners can learn how to recognize and name when trauma shows up in the present and develop strategies to become more compassionate, understanding, and connected in navigating these challenges.
Understanding trauma and how it impacts relationships
Trauma affects the way a person views the world: their ability to trust, feel safe with others and within themselves, how they experience emotion, and their capacity for compassion and empathy. Trauma survivors often need to develop coping strategies or, “trauma responses,” that help them survive the situation they lived through. The problem is- these coping strategies often don’t translate to their current life and relationships once the trauma has ended. There are a number of ways trauma can show up in a relationship:
Difficulty with feeling safe
Difficulty with trusting others
Challenges with emotional and physical intimacy
Blows up or avoids when faced with conflict
Heightened sensitivity to perceived criticism
Hypervigalence and may often ask “are you mad at me?”
Emotional withdrawal or avoidance
Difficulty expressing their emotions or needs
These are all coping strategies that your partner may have developed in order to keep themselves safe at one or multiple times in their life.
When trauma can become an issue in your relationship
Many couples come to therapy because they are stuck in patterns they do not know how to get out of. They may not realize that trauma may be playing a role in why these patterns continue and why they feel there is no way out. Examples of these patterns might look like:
One partner continues to seek closeness and reassurance of love while the other pulls away when things feel too close
Conflict escalates quickly as one or both partners experience difficulty with regulating their emotional responses
Trauma responses can be misinterpreted as disinterest or rejection
Couples often begin blaming one another for how these patterns play out if they do not understand the role that trauma may be playing in their communication and interactions.
How do we navigate this and work toward healing?
Couples who successfully navigate these challenges make sure they:
Lead with curiosity and compassion
Try to understand what may be happening for your partner underneath the surface before jumping to judgment and defensiveness. Try to see your partner’s inner child in their reactions. Our inner child often feels scared, ashamed, and alone. This will help you to lead with compassion and deepen your understanding of one another.
Foster emotional safety
Talk to your partner about what it means for them to feel safe and vice versa. What makes you feel accepted, understood, and respected? What are yours and their triggers and how can you be mindful of these triggers for your partner? Then discuss how you can create this environment, especially when navigating conflict. Each time you resolve conflict successfully, you are fostering a corrective experience. This lends itself to healing as the nervous system learns that one can feel safe while also working through conflict.
Strengthen communication skills
Learn to talk openly about your feelings and needs and listen with curiosity. Many of us do not grow up with good examples of what effective communication or healthy relationships look like. It is often a learned skill. So, set aside time to practice these skills in discussing important topics as effective communication skills take time to develop.
Prioritize time for positive experiences
When we set aside a protective space to spend positive, quality time together, we are better able to navigate challenges as we are more likely to view each other with fondness, admiration, trust, and compassion. Taking the time to have fun and priortize connection is crucial to navigating challenging times.
Seek professional support
Engaging in couples therapy can give you a space to better understand the effect that trauma may be having on your relationships, give you new insights, and help you develop skills to improve your patterns and strengthen your relationship.
One last reflection
When one partner has experienced trauma, it can feel overwhelming, confusing, and challenging to manage and understand. However, it is possible to overcome the difficulties and heal together. This does not mean erasing the past. It means learning how to meet one another with compassion, understanding, and curiosity. Through prioritizing safety, communicating effectively, and utilizing support, couples can create a relationship that feels stronger and more resilient than ever before.
At Solace & Soleil Counseling, we believe healing happens in the presence of safety, connection, and curiosity. If trauma is affecting your relationship, you don't have to navigate it alone. We are here to help. Reach out for an initial consultation today.
